Eocene Horses Make For Trendy Reading Material

I know, I know. I said I was going to take a break from blogging, but I didn't know that the library had finally purchased a book I'd requested over a month ago, or that I would pick up the book last night, only to sit down with it after dinner...and fall in love with it. I just have to tell you guys all about it and then I'll take my little break. For real.

First the facts: the book is called Machine, and it was written by a strange Danish author, Peter Adolphsen. The slim, black cover of the book is emblazoned with retro gold and white illustrations and a red metallic heart in the very center, meaning that this is the kind of book you nonchalantly set out on the coffee table before guests arrive, or better yet, carefully place next to your laptop while working at a trendy cafe, slightly hidden by a battered notebook so as not to overdo it, while leaving just enough of the super cool cover exposed to attract attention. Seriously, it's pretty sweet-lookin'.

Even better, the collection of words inside the awesome cover, i.e, the story, are pretty fantastic, too. Now, let me preface this by saying that I could see how one might throw down this book in disgust, much as certain people would rather visit the dentist sans Novacaine rather than sit through a Woody Allen film; however, what's particularly convenient about this book is that it advertises its strangeness from word one. If you don't like the first paragraph, toss the book out of the nearest window, but if you're completely mesmerized as I was, the remainder of the book won't disappoint.

As much as I would like to reprint all eighty-five pages here, I'll restrain myself to a couple of paragraphs. The book opens with the discussion of a little, unassuming particle of matter...

The tiny element of matter which concerns us has, like everything else, existed since the Big Bang, as it is known; however, the point in time when this drop of gasoline existed in its highest degree of concentration...was here on this planet fifty-five million years ago, during the early Eocene when its constituents formed the rapidly beating heart of a small prehistoric horse. After combusting on the 23rd of June, 1975, the drop acquired its most unstructured state in the form of exhaust fumes, yet managed nevertheless in this state, twenty-four hours later, to bring about a structure both complex and chaotic: cancer. I know this because I was eavesdropping from the neighboring balcony as she inhaled the particles which triggered the pathological cell division. However, we are getting ahead of ourselves now; let us begin with the prehistoric horse.

*sigh* What a cool book.

Find a Happy Place

I hate to say it, but I'm bored with my blog at the moment. I'm kinda sorta going through a patch of funk/midlife crisis/whatever you want to call it, and I need to take a break. Knowing me, I could be back first thing tomorrow morning, but for now, fellow blogsters, I bid you adieu. Of course, I'll still be lurking in the shadows of your blogs, so prepare yourself for commentary of the silly variety.

I'll close with a few photos from Cute Overload, because...well, just because. Cuteness is always good.

Ahhh!!! My brain is starting to smoke. Too. Much. Cuteness.



I know, it's hard to take it all in.

A Wrinkle In Time and Other Helpful Budgeting Tips

My money situation has redefined the face of cheap bastardly-ness over the past few weeks, so I can't tell you how relieved I was to find an article from The Onion reassuring me that I'm not alone.

Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift

CINCINNATI—According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Labor, skyrocketing consumer prices coupled with stagnant wages have forced many Americans to work a fourth shift in another dimension in order to make ends meet.

The extra-dimensional shift, which occurs on a time axis at right angles to that of normal reality, allows American workers to supplement their incomes, while still maintaining the morning, afternoon, and overnight shifts they need in order to stave off bankruptcy.

"The maximum 24 hours of possible work time offered by our plane of existence is simply not enough to provide a living wage in the current economic climate," Labor Secretary Elaine Chao wrote in a letter introducing the report. "These difficult circumstances have compelled 76 percent of the American workforce to seek additional hours in an alternate space-time dimension, where more competitive pay can help them to avoid years of crippling debt."

BwaHAhahahaha. Wait, there's more:

"It's hard, but what other option do I have?" Vernacini said. "Having every atom in my body split and retranslated into a different form of matter just to make a few extra bucks isn't exactly my idea of fun, but my family needs to eat."

"I age an extra eight hours every time I work the fourth shift, and it's really starting to wear me down," Vernacini continued. "And having to buy a new shirt every time my body is flattened out to 4,000 times its usual surface area is one more strain on my budget that I don't need."

Brilliant.

How To Remove Red Eye From Your Mugshot...and More!

Blargh. The past day and a half have been very migraine-y, and this morning I woke up with only a mild headache...and was actually excited about that. But enough complaining. It's Friday, the sun is shining, and the Republicans have been frightened away for the time being.

And now for something completely different...

I found an interesting website called Photojojo, and after only five minutes of poking around on their newsletter page, I came across a bazillion share-worthy things, including:

Wanna know what you and your friends will look like in the afterlife? If you're willing to dismantle that crappy old scanner you never use anymore and turn it into a camera with the help of this handy dandy tutorial from MAKE, now you can. Check out the creepy examples at left.

If you're looking for a better way to document your drunken Friday night stumblings on the town, Photojojo's Ultimate Guide to Taking Portraits at Night is a must see, answering the age old question, "To flash or not to flash?" while offering tips on how to achieve a flattering two-headed effect.

Finally, Photojojo gives the lowdown on Phoenix, a web-based image editor with features rivaling those of Photoshop. Sounds pretty nifty. And free. Free's always good.

Have a great weekend, bloggerinos!

The Morning After

(Brilliant illustration by Zina Saunders.)

In other election related silliness, The Onion reports:


Access a less microscopic version here.

Gobama, Gobama, Go Go Gobama...

My friend Ricky just sent me the perfect song to rock out to in honor of Obama Day. Crank it up, people.



("We're a Winner" by Curtis Mayfield)

Woo hoo! I Don't Have To Move To Canada!!!!

I can't embed the video, but it had me blubbering at my computer like a baby, so here's the link instead.

And now, back to relieved, happy bawling while reading the news.

OBAMA!!!!!!!